What a wild double-header MNF slate to close the book on week 7?! Phew! This is one of the strangest weeks of Big League I can recall. Not a single empty roster, but more blowouts than a salon before prom. The Fantasy Gods cast their dismay on this week. Let’s get into it.

Highest Scorer: Bob Barker’s House of Pain (155.1 points)

It’s good to see Garret’s fantasy performance match his real-life football IQ. For the first time this season, Bob Barker’s House of Pain appears as our highest scorer. This has to come after a sober reflection on the contested Classic Glazed Division. Woke Up holds a strong lead, but no one is bowing out of contention. Thus, Garret tightened his belt and got to work with a points bonanza. Sparing no expense, Garret opted for an A-list cast with Baker Mayfield, Breece Hall, the rejuvenated Kareem Hunt, Pickens, Evans, and a rare known commodity at tight end, McBride. Even the tail-end of the roster came to play, accounting for a quarter of the team points by themselves. This highest-scoring performance was able to do all this despite being kneecapped by Kupp’s absence. If Woke Up somehow loses a few in a row here soon, Bob Barker may have a foothold. But he’ll have to keep his foot on the gas to keep this momentum.

Biggest Blowout: Sidney Deane School of Street Smarts vs SemperSometimes (78.5 points)

I don’t want to lambast Semper Sometimes the way I have in this category. Maria was at a job all day Sunday that required her very active attention. Hence, a roster that was created by our handy-dandy randomizer tool. This is a shame though! I won’t say that Sidney Deane was an easy opponent to outwit, but Maria did land on Terry McLaurin & Seattle’s Defense for a decent 30-point foundation. But the no-name committee of Laube, LMC, Proche, and Kolar just won’t get it done. Neither will a performance by Gardner Minshew that actively hurt Semper Sometimes.

Closest Call: Pay Day Gray vs. Up!!! (0.06 points)

I might’ve taken the week off from the write-up if not for this matchup. This is what Fantasy Football is all about. After a blow-for-blow knife-fight, Up!!! trailed Pay Day Gray by only ~5 points with Murray and Henry left to do the dirty work. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck weren’t the only ones bemoaning King Henry’s paltry involvement, Up!!! most certainly noticed the lack of touches #22 had in the first half of the Baltimore game. But wait. IS THAT DERRICK HENRY’S MUSIC?! Cue a breakaway 81-yard run from the Man. But that wasn’t all, Derrick Henry tallied up a monstrous 169-yard performance as well as an uncharacteristic catch & score near the end. This was just a walloping trounce from Tractorcito that puts a big underscore on why he’s my favorite player in the league. Meanwhile, in Glendale, Arizona, Kyler Murray was mounting a pittering offense to the tune of not many points! But wait. IS THAT KYLER MURRAY’S MUSIC?! As if he answered his physical opposite’s call from across the country, Murray broke off a 44-yard rushing touchdown! A 10.4-point swing to match! Wowie. The two teams were basically tied at this point. But what’s on the line? These are two playoff-hopeful teams from the Hole Division. Gray is in the midst of a mid-season turnaround, quickly becoming a point juggernaut, while Up!!! is buying as much glue from Staples as he can to keep his House of Cards together. Up!!! just needs the bare minimum to keep his undefeated streak alive! Can he do it! BANG – no he cannot. Kyler throws a 33-yard screen pass to James Conner and that was just enough to do it. Talk about drama, people!

Best Find: Tank Bigsby (23.8 points)

I must have been out of the loop, or I haven’t watched enough Jacksonville. I had no clue that Tank Bigsby had usurped the role from first-rounder Travis Etienne. My last drop-in on Mr. Bigsby was here. He looked like a hapless backup who had no business getting paid to run around on grass. He looked like anything but a person named Tank Bigsby. This year, he has already tripled his 2023 yards and doubled his touchdowns from last year, and it’s only week 7. Whether the Pats are actually a decent defense or are riding coattails like Aladdin on a carpet, I couldn’t have predicted that the JAX lead-back would’ve taken off here, but six teams did! With the exception of a neutralized play, all teams who rostered Bigsby won…. except for the perpetual punching bag of Bad At This (sorry, man!). A game like this has kind of told me enough. Doug Pederson is fighting for his life and if a match is striking fire, then he’ll keep going till the box is done. Tank Bigsby has the juice. Good find, teams!

Biggest Bust: Tank Dell  (0 points)

It is most certainly a gimmick, but at least it works. I had to roll with the other Tank as the bust. He might be one of the larger busts of the season. His season-long performance has been nothing short of an abject failure. This week in particular, in a matchup against an evenly sized team (the Packers), AND with Nico Collins out, Tank Dell ought to be magnetized to Stroud targets. Well, no. He accounted for four targets (which was second in target share for the team!) and caught 0. The last time he had four targets, he only caught one… for negative three yards. This solidifies a query: what in the world is going on with Tank Dell?! Last year he looked like a breakout star: 700 yards in just 10 games with an ascendant QB. I think I have one answer for you though: gun violence. In what can only be described as Kid Rock’s wet dream, a young football star was wounded in a wanton shooting in Florida – just how the Founding Fathers drew it up, right? This happened in late April. Even though the wound was recorded as a minor wound, I will reiterate – the man was SHOT. Should we be floored when he doesn’t return to picture-perfect form? It certainly throws a bucketful of cold water on our silly, little sport when these young men keep getting shot. Just this year, Ricky Pearsall of the 9ers was injured. Recently, Brian Robinson Jr. (Washington) was more grievously injured. Not much more to say here. I hope Dell continues to recover and eventually bounces back to the level of his God-Given talent.

That’s all for now. Have a great week.