Ladies and gentlemen, we got a fine. $15 added to the top end of the pot. Look out for a $1 bonus all around. Onward!
Highest Scorer: Dez Still Caught It (152.4 points)
I’ll keep telling you guys till it’s already too late: we have to WATCH OUT for Miller’s gang, Dez Still Caught It. A bonafide fantasy savant – Miller specializes in W’s. Hailing from the recently invigorated Boston Cream division, Dez has once again managed to tally a dominant 5-1 record at the 33% mark of the season. This is one of those rosters that is easier explained in retrospect than foresight. There are many alternate universes where Pollard, London, Flowers, and Kmet simply bust. Instead, they all score touchdowns, and sometimes multiple! Austin’s unmentionable team name (Beat My Meat to Zeke) probably felt mighty confident with a yoked roster that neutralized many of Miller’s best options. Pollard and London wash out; Fields has upside vs Cousins; and Bowers is more relied upon than Kmet! But that kind of logical thinking will get you in trouble time and time again in the realm of Fantasy. Instead, everyone got to wake up to a Kmet-Konvention in London. Kmet caught five of five targets for a cool seventy yards and a pair of Teatime touchdowns. Dez won by a margin of 20+, but perhaps Austin is still hand-wringing over an early-game Olave exit. My advice to everyone though – go look at your weekly schedule. See if you play Dez Still Caught It. If you don’t, send up a prayer of gratitude. If you do, may God have mercy on your soul.
Biggest Blowout: Up!!! vs jacksons team (91.06 points)
It’s rare that I get to wax poetic about a team getting boat-raced out of existence twice in a row, but here we are. The uncapitalized, unpunctuated ‘jacksons team‘ has officially incurred the first fine of Big League Fantasy Football ‘2024-2025’. I’m glad that Jackson gets to win something this year. With this loss, Jackson gets to cozy up to his rightful placement of 40th out of 40 teams, some 140 points behind 39th (huh, it’s almost like he didn’t play a week?). Jackson is not illiterate when it comes to Fantasy or Football; rather, he has won multiple championships! He is a capable manager and thinker when it comes to this stuff. Despite this, Jackson was incapable of fielding even a nominal roster of Bills and Jets. I mean, he’d probably lose against the juggernaut Up!!!. Right? I mean scoring an impossibly high total of 91.06 is a Herculean feat, RIGHT? Let’s see. Somehow, the only Jet and Bill that Jackson has played so far are Breece Hall and Tyler Bass, so he’s actually got his pick of the litter. If he woke up clueless on Monday morning he could’ve played all Jets and the backup Bill’s RB and performed thusly:
Aaron Rodgers / 17.76
Ray Davis / 18.2
Braelen Allen / 0.8
Garrett Wilson / 24.7
Allen Lazard / 23.4
Mike Williams / 0.0
Tyler Conklin / 3
Greg Zurlein / 6
NYJ / 1
Yep. Of course, this total is 94.86 points and would’ve given him the win, putting him one game behind first place in the Chocolate Division. It would’ve also handed Up!!! their first loss of the year. This back of the napkin, aftermath, second thought, absent-minded, whoopsy of a lineup that I just created out of thin air would’ve counted for a win. But instead, nothing was submitted and now the pot grows by $15 smackeroonies. By the way, congrats to Up!!! who ranks 30th in total points, but is the second seed with a bye in the playoff standings.
End of rant.
Closest Call: The Hyrule Koroks vs. Endzone Jones (2.2 points)
This was all my fault and I am incensed. Endzone Jones put up 141.66 points against me with a robust roster consisting of the Ageless Derrick Henry, the Wunderkind Jayden Daniels, the Matchup-Proof Kenneth Walker, and the Joker himself, George Kittle. His supporting cast did just enough to buoy him to a lead with non-lethal performances by DJ Moore, Jayden Reed (wow, two Jaydens), and a kicker/DST duo. However, this is the hottest start to a season that I’ve been on, so I played to win this week too. One of my myriad podcasts I listen to told me that the Jags are worst against Tight Ends so far, so I subbed out Conklin for Kmet. I hesitantly bargained on decent games with Chase Brown and Pollard. I prayed that Lockett could do well (imagine my delight when he caught a touchdown in that slog of a game). And Scary Terry alleviated my fears very soon. But, wait… why is Brandon McManus (longstanding Denver kicker) listed as a Jaguar? More importantly, why doesn’t he have points? Here is where I direct you to Wikipedia. Expletive, expletive, expletive! This was a BRAWL against two top-five teams in the league, and Endzone Jones was undefeated! This was my chance to dethrone the king! But I still had a chance, Aaron Rodgers just had to score 20 points. I’m barely watching the game but as the Jets descend into halftime, I see a Moon-Ball from Rodgers. No way. YEP! Hail Mary for a touchdown! Victory is in sight. I drive home from work now, knowing my fate will be sealed already when I walk in the door. What greets me, but a game-ending interception (-2 points) for my favorite Kelly-Green Conspiracy Theorist. Abysmal luck all around. Know this, Endzone Jones: You got lucky this time! Next time, I’ll make sure my kicker isn’t under suit for sexual assault!
Best Find: Zay Flowers (22.4 points)
I’m going to be brief on the next two since the last two were longer. Zay Flowers was the Best Find this week. His mighty box score of 9 for 9 for 132 yards is just what the Ravens need to keep their AFC hopes alive. A clean sweep, six out of six teams who selected Zay won their matchups. Go flock.
Biggest Bust: Players on Bye (0 points)
This is just a wellness check for Krusty Krab Pizzas. Everything ok over there, bud? You played two of the best wide receivers in the NFL….. and lost. They were on bye! And Kupp is injured. At least there was no fine here.
That’s all for now. Have a great week.
