Scoring was wonky this week. A staggering 19/40 teams recorded a player that scored 0 points or worse. (Yes, six Defenses scored negative points). But the beat goes on and so must this write-up.

Highest Scorer: Freak of Nature (168.52 points)

Nary a week goes by that I won’t give Sel and the Freaks their flowers— the Godfather of Fantasy; the Hitman of Hits, Man; the Prince of Points; the Sideline Sultan. Whatever name you give him, the guy knows how to rack ’em up. Josh Allen may take home the coveted MVP prize by season’s end, but it feels like he’s already earned the Fantasy MVP award. 30.92 points, in the current QB landscape, is like a Gatorade in the Sahara. Moreover, Sel saw opportunities in the Seattle/Miami matchup and said ‘Porque no los dos’, rostering both Achane and Charbonnet. But the real delight comes in the trio of wide receivers: Shakir, Godwin, and Jennings united their forces like Power Rangers for an 83-point Megazord. There are lots more interesting ways to analyze this roster, but I’ll leave you with this last lens. Sel assembled this team with so much cushion, that he could’ve benched Charbonnet and Allen entirely and still won with two points to spare. Unsurprisingly, Sel joins Alan (End Zone Jones) as the first two teams to breach 400 overall points. This is how it’s done, kids.

Biggest Blowout: Pay Day Gray vs She Sucks My Boswell (71.08 points)

Surprisingly, most of the matchups were either blowouts or close calls, but only one was an utter curb stomp like this. These two friends and former titans of Big League had different agendas for week 3: one wanted an easy week off, while the other was thirsty for blood. In Week One, Gray called me to set up his afternoon lineup – to be generous to him, the Sunday morning had uhhhh caught him off-guard let’s say… But in the call, we briefly chatted about how in the years since his #1 seed campaign, he’s fallen off a cliff. Well, it looks like he’s been hiking! Off the outings from Lamar Jackson & Jauan Jennings, Pay Day Gray cashed in a check to send the Boswells packing! I’m not sure how technical my analysis of the blowout can actually be here, because it’s simple. All I see from the left-hand team is touchdowns, and all I see on the right-side team is mediocrity and backups. The most interesting thing about this blowout is that there was room for even more! Davante Adams was the third-highest-scoring Fantasy receiver for the Raiders! Pitts was robbed of two touchdown opportunities! And Carlson couldn’t even try to kick field goals while the Panthers were eviscerating the Raiders. Let’s look at Gray’s Hole Division. Up!!! is in a commanding 3-0 lead while Kenneth’s younger brother is in second (2-1), but Pay Day Gray may be mounting a resistance. Look out!

Closest Call: Woke Up and Chose Violence vs. SemperSometimes (0.92 points)

It only took me four years to rename this category to use my favorite literary device: alliteration. This week’s Closest Call is awarded to Big League newcomer and overall Fantasy virgin – Chandler and the Choosers of Violence. He edged this victory out over fellow newcomer to Big League, Maria AKA SemperSometimes. The California native currently holds an undefeated lead over his Kentuckian divisional rivals (Glazed Division) with no small thanks to the <1 point winning margin he managed by Monday night. There were no neutralized players and only a few positional similarities in the matchup. Neither kicker scored; Jefferson and Olave were practically a wash; as were Mike Evans and Jameson Williams. However, the match was not settled; SemperSometimes banked big on the Prime Time games, with her headlining assets all playing on SNF & MNF. With every carry from Cook and Robinson, SS Maria chipped away at the respectable lead that Violence tallied. Every pass that Allen completed brought Maria closer and closer to victory. One point for every 25 passing yards, one point for every 10 rushing yards, and a glorious four for touchdowns. But Maria couldn’t account for the point disparity that would happen when Josh Allen threw to Kincaid for a touchdown. Four points for Josh, but six for Dalton. Matthew McConaughey screams behind a bookcase for him to throw it to a different receiver, even a different tight end. No!!! Not him! But in the end, time is a flat circle and Chandler Woke Up and Chose Violence to win.

Best Find: The Panther’s Offense (Andy Dalton: 24.56 points; Chubba Hubbard: 27.9 points; Adam Thielen: 13 points; Diontae Johnson: 26.2 points; Tommy Tremble: 5.9 points)

The Panthers legitimately looked like an all-time disaster of a team. A blight to the eyes. An offense on offense. A reason why. Then Dave Canales benched Bryce Young (read to: And then the Fire Nation attacked). The Raiders beat the Ravens and the Ravens beat the Cowboys. But the Panthers now beat the Raiders, ipso facto, the Panthers are now prohibitive Super Bowl favorites. Back to fantasy though, I’d never have the cojones, much less the Canales to roster a Carolinian after the two weeks I saw. But that didn’t stop Up!!!, Team Harris, Jalen, Cooper DeJean, bastards, Younghoes, Shotgun Bob, Green Bowl Packers, or Gamecocks from rostering a Panther. Two of these teams washed on a Diontae play & a Chubba play, and other than Team Harris, who lost by 2 points, everyone else won. I’ll give a special moment under the sun to Shotgun Bob & Who’s Nailin’ Jalen who enlisted the improbable Tommy Tremble & Andy Dalton. Dalton finishes as the QB 8 behind his Cincy successor Joe Burrow, while TT finishes ahead of the following tight ends Sam Laporta, Trey McBride, and Isaiah Likely. I don’t know about you, but I look forward to submitting an all-Panthers lineup next week to follow this iron-clad trend.

Biggest Bust: Rashid Shaheed (0.0 points)

Eagles/Saints might have just been the single most unexpected game of the week, despite several upsets. Whether you picked the Proselytizing Saints or the Wounded Eagles to win, a 15-12 comeback victory didn’t seem like a likely outcome. The Saints, through the first two weeks, were on a meteoric offensive ascent akin to the ’07 Patriots, and they were doing it with DEREK CARR! Alongside this performance was a steady drumbeat from the borderline undrafted Rashid Shaheed. ‘3-5 for 73 and a score’ paired with ‘4-4 for 96 and another score’ is a mighty fantasy two week run. Furthermore, Shaheed gets the deep ball targets too! With longs of 59 and 70 yards, he looked like a bonafide field stretcher. Enter the dilapidated Eagles’ Defense and this looks like a ready-to-bake pie. Throw the Ondo on Three-Hundo and call it a day. Cue the Borat ‘NOT’ sound effect. Shaheed utterly devastated managers with a gaping hole in their lineups this week. It’s not as though Carr succeeded despite Shaheed’s suffering, the ball-thrower only completed 14 passes for 142 in a game that forced the Saints back to Earth, running the ball. Like most things, the truth of the matter likely exists somewhere between Shaheed’s first two weeks and this dud, but that axiomatic salve doesn’t soothe the eight teams that rostered Shaeheed for a big fat zero.

That’s all for the write-up. Thanks to everyone for putting in a roster every week so far. Let me know if you have questions.