With week two in the rearviewmirror, we can reflect on one of the evergreen facts of life & fantasy football: we know nothing. The Saints and Buccaneers are undefeated; Travis Kelce is invisible now; Malik Willis wins games; and Kickers are the most important players in the game now. Oh, but we did suspect this: the Panthers are doomed to fail. On with the write-up…
Highest Scorer: The Hyrule Koroks (148.72 points)
It’s not every day that the highest scorer is one of the commissioners unless it’s the first two weeks of this season! That’s right YOUR Hyrule Koroks are the Highest Scorers this week off the heels of blistering performances from Danny Dimes, Jordan Mason, Malik Nabers, Alec Pierce, Kittle, and Ka’imi Fairbairn. I’ll give myself a pat on the back here. This wasn’t the definition of a bargain lineup, but it certainly had some lotto tickets in the equation. The backbone was clearly the Jones-Nabers connection that tallied for ~50 of my points. By the way, Nabers accounted for almost 65% of the target share this week (a higher percentage than Jones’ career completion rate). However, my proudest roster choice has to be Alec Pierce. The future isn’t set in Indy, but from my vantage, Michael Pittman Jr. is not the #1 target. In any case, look and learn, kids, this is how you construct a winning roster.
Biggest Blowout: The Hyrule Koroks vs The Good Guys (75.42 points)
In all seriousness, my highest score was more luck than premeditated skill. Need proof? Look at my opponent’s lineup. This Stars & Scrubs assembly had the makings of a solid outing. I see the vision. Dobbins, Baker, and Godwin are all B+ level talents with opportunities to establish a base-point level. Then you’re just hoping for touchdowns from the others and maybe some garbage time in the Colts/Pack game. However, the coin landed the other way. The Koroks had touchdowns scored by all starters except for a MNF wideout, while Zane’s Guys couldn’t muster a combined 10 points between his RB2, his WR #2 & #3, and his Tight End. Zane’s a great competitor, though. Keep an eye out for The Good Guys.
Closest Matchup: Jordan Loves Younghoes vs Mike “Big Mac” Big Mac (3.34 points)
While these two tongue-tied titled teams have no neutralized players between them, the scoring outputs mirrored each other for a tantalizing tilt. Frankly, it looked like Jordan Loves Younghoes mailed in the week aside from a gigantic performance by James Cook, while Mike “Big Mac” Big Mac shelled out for a dub. Roster spots one through five for Mac are rea-deal players that will be selected by the majority of teams this season, but they all kind of fell flat. Josh Jacobs’ 13.1 points have to be the quietest that 151 rushing yards has ever felt, but it’s not as quiet as Evan Engram’s vanishing act. Engram is still missing in the state of Florida. Speaking of underwhelming results, this arms race to 80 points ended with the sputtering stat line from D’Andre ‘not-so’ Swift. While the Chicago offensive line did him no favors, Swift tallied 14 carries for an unsightly 18 yards. His longest carry was for 21 feet. That’s half the length of a school bus. Hold your barf, people. Yet this Bear was the difference maker for Younghoes as with each putrid rushing attempt, Hayden and the Hoes delivered death by 1,000 papercuts to Daniel. Phew, at last.
Best Find: Marvin Harrison Jr. (29 points)
It could feel cheap to hand the #4 overall pick the best find award, but we have to contextualize Harrison’s electricity against last week’s staticity. Last week, Marvin Harrison Jr. caught only one of his paltry three targets for a pathetic four yards. To make matters worse, there were next gen stats that clocked MHJ’s top speed in week 1 at 16.7 MPH. This is not a novel stat to people who consume football content, so I’ll try to spice it up. Here’s a list of animals that are faster than 16.7 MPH: iguanas (21 MPH), squirrels (20 MPH), anteaters (30 MPH), capybaras (20 MPH), and lizards (18 MPH). Yeah, ole Marv couldn’t beat a lizard in a foot race. Top speed isn’t everything though and the QB connection could get delayed when it comes to primetime. For many fantasy managers, Marvin Harrison was off the table till the commodity could be proven. But for Beat My Meat to Zeke & Bob Barker’s House of Pain, the time was now. 29 points on four hauls is a ludicrous number to boast, and Harry Jr. did just that. One of those was an OROTY-reel contending 60-yard sprint for a score! Marvin Harrison Jr. is by no means a sleeper, a diamond in the rough, or a hidden gem. He will 100% be played by 40/40 of the teams this year. But this was a shot-call that most of us don’t have the stones to do. Well done.
Biggest Bust: Matthew Stafford (6.64 points)
Speaking of stones, it felt like Stafford was heaving rocks instead of footballs on Sunday afternoon against the Cardinals when he completed his passing report with 19/27 for 216 yards. Stafford averaged 34.7 passing attempts per game last season and hasn’t thrown fewer than 27 since last Halloween in a blowout to the Cowboys. Cards/Rams had the makings of a shootout, so I understand the rationale that led seven teams to play him. The game was indeed a shootout, but it ended like a massacre. Once the score got out of hand, the game just collapsed. Puca is already on IR; Kupp went out in a boot; and Kyren couldn’t even light fire with matches. Stafford ended up spreading the wealth like a 20th Century Russian, resulting in eight different receivers, but no one tallying more than five catches. On top of this, Stafford hit the turf five times and fumbled once. Glendale, Arizona probably felt a lot like Detroit, Michigan to the 2009 #1 overall pick, and fantasy managers felt very much the same with his utterly weak 6.64 points. Every team that selected Stafford this week lost, except for one game where both teams neutralized. More like Matthew Sad-ford.
That’s the writeup for this week! Thanks for reading. Look forward to a new feature in the coming weeks: LIVE PLAYOFF WATCH.
