And now we have four. Your champion will be one of the following: End Zone Jones, Saquon Deez Nuts, The Hens, or She Sucks My Boswell. Thunderous applause to those teams who have weathered the storm of 16 weeks of pure fantasy wickedness. We’ll have a brief write-up today followed up later by some weed digging!
Highest Score: Saquon Deez Nuts (132.08 points)
With only four matchups, you’re going to hear about basically all of them today. Starting with Mr. Deez Nuts, it’s an incredible testament to Fisher’s planning skills that he could possibly have this player capital four months into the season. I mean, I’d list his standout players, but it’s the whole frigging roster! The silver bullet of this squad has to be the stud, Josh Allen. Allen will end the Fantasy season as the #1 scoring quarterback. While this is a somewhat nominal highest-score award (just wait till the closest matchup), 132.08 was plenty to bury Billy Boyle and his Big Bounce Academy. Both teams pulled out every stop, but even Stefon Diggs’ quiet (and strangely characteristic) 7.9 points was not the doorstopper it might’ve been for other teams. No, the Waluigi division belt-wearer carefully and calculatedly arranged this roster and is rightfully in high contention for the overall crown. Good luck, Saquon Deez Nuts.
Biggest Blowout: End Zone Jones vs Drew Crew (41.08 points)
Matchup #2. Is it any surprise to see End Zone Jones torpedoing Drew’s chances? If this Fantasy season were a magazine, Alan’s campaign would be the cover story. Saving Justin Jefferson for the playoffs was something we all probably aspired to do. But few manage to get there! And let’s just make this clear – Drew Crew is no slouch. He was a top 10 highest scorer in the league and would’ve won my division handily! End Zone Jones knows this though, tilting against him in the regular season finale where he beat him 160.5 to 96.32. Sadly for the Crew, there was not enough gas in the tank to topple End Zone. Drew Crew opted to roster Rhamondre Stevenson (who hasn’t played since December 3rd). That zero was further compounded by a ridiculous performance by Davante Adams. The aforementioned lackluster Diggs also plagued Drew Crew, and somehow Cleveland’s kicker only mustered 2 points. All these ingredients are on the index card for a recipe titled “Blowout A La Mode”. Good luck, End Zone Jones.
Closest Matchup: Scrantonicity 5 vs The Hens (1.28 points)
Matchup trois. Gah! The Fantasy gods are cruel, aren’t they? Even in the quarter-semi-finals, they had to brew up some sort of tantalizingly narrow margin of victory. This game was in a state of limbo for a while, alas there was a Christmas miracle in the city of brotherly love. Andie and her Hens made a savvy decision to anchor her team in Eagles: Jake Elliott, AJ Brown, DeAndre Swift, and the Eagles DST. Fate had made up their mind, though, as the Giants wouldn’t let the Eagles fly into victory formation. The Giants mounted a laudable comeback on Philly to force their hand into a last-minute field goal. That accounted for Jake Elliott’s final points and the final nail in Scrantonicity 5‘s incredible season. Y’know, us commissioners work pretty hard to run this league and at least in my case, I have performed pitifully every single year. Thus, when it looked like ‘man-behind-the-scenes’ Matthew was going to be a contender, I was pumped! He made it all the way to lock in the #2 seed and secure a bye week. But it simply wasn’t enough to make up this 1 point + spare change difference to beat The Hens. There were no neutralized players or remarkably similar plays on this one either. Just a kick missed here, a catch made there, that’s what accounted for this win. Good luck, The Hens.
Weekly Oddity: Skid Marks’ collapse
The fourth matchup. Yes! We’re bringing back this category to discuss our final fight. Skid Marks has been a perennial heavyweight this season in Big League. Hence, when they record a whooping four 0’s in the most important matchup of their life it’s simply gobsmacking. Sutton is 3rd in the league in receiving touchdowns (10!), but couldn’t get it done this week. Friermuth was fried. The Packers couldn’t get it done, and some missed kicks negated everything Lutz had done. Skid Marks may have scored the most regular season points, but right on his tail, the whole way, was Kenneth and the Boswells. This was a heavy-hitting slugfest among peers. To further the week’s oddity here, Kenneth rostered a fellow 0-burger in Jalin Hyatt and rostered a now long-gone Tommy DeVito. And James Cook! The breakout future first-round running back scored a pitiful five points! All of this should’ve amounted to a Boswell implosion, but Skid Marks beat him to the punch. Good luck, She Sucks My Boswell.
That’s all, folks! Best of luck tonight. Your matchups are as follows:
EndZone Jones vs The Hens
Saquon Deez Nuts vs She Sucks My Boswell.
To further clarify, these four teams will be putting together rosters this week and next week. Don’t forget you have 3rd place to contend for if you lose this week! And if it were not obvious, the losers will play each other and the winners will play for the 1st and 2nd. Best of luck to you all!
