Another week in the books, folks! Twelve weeks are concluded but we have two more showdowns until the playoffs begin! The schedule has been posted all season long, so go ahead and check out who your final opponents will be. But enough of that for now, let’s chow down on some Thanksgiving leftovers.
Thanksgiving Turkey: lansing leopards (168.56 points)
While turkey is the nominal showstopper for a Thanksgiving feast, there is always a gluttonous excess of the tryptophan-riddled bird. In a week filled with no shortage of massive point totals, lansing leopards recorded an overwhelming amount to smash Kingpins of Crime right in the mouth. Thus, do the infrequently cited leopards get to be the turkey today. The lowest point scorer for lansing leopards was none other than Jake Elliott whose 4th quarter kick is being called, by some, the greatest game-saving kick of all time. That is a debate for the football experts, but what’s not up for debate is his nine points to polish off a perfect roster. That Philly/Buffalo game got to play out in some ways in this matchup where Hurts went head-to-head against Allen. However, it was Allen who toppled the Eagle. Josh Allen was the #1 overall fantasy scorer this week with a just Herculean effort – not unlike managing an entire turkey leg on top of everything else. On top of these plays was punch after punch cavalcade of super-studs like AJ Brown, Jonathan Taylor, Mike Evans, Tank Dell, Alvin Kamara, and TJ Hockenson. No expense was spared in buying this juicy, buttery, crispy-skinned turkey! The leftovers, however, may not keep well, seeing as this turkey was a one-week-only rental.
Fluffy Mashed Potatoes: AR5 Fan Club v Gamecocks (91.5 points)
In a, perhaps stretched, metaphor we reflect on the biggest blowout by comparing it to the belly-busting, buttery bliss of mashed potatoes. Potatoes tend to floweth over on plates and cooking pots alike. Just as AR5 Fan Club stuck his fork in Gamecocks and kept chowing down. Normally, I don’t highlight the empty lineups because it’s just not as interesting as evaluating the 70 blowout between two would-be competitive rosters. But here, I will. Not only did one, but two league members attempted to remind Gamecocks about his roster at multiple intervals during the football long weekend. This is further hilarious when you think about all the different times someone could be reminded: before Thursday’s Lions game, before the other Thanksgiving games, before the Black Friday game, before the morning slate, the afternoon slate, the SNF game, or even before the Monday Night game as a last-ditch effort. I can’t remember a week with more safety nets than maybe COVID-era games (remember Tuesday evening football?). To make matters INFINITELY worse, AR5 Fan Club’s roster would have only beat FIVE OTHER TEAMS! In a week where scores ballooned out of proportion, Gamecocks really let a win slip through his fingers. The last exacerbating point of this no-show lineup: Ben now sits at a 6/6 record (5th in the division; last in points). It’s so likely that any submission would have won, thus flipping his and Clay’s records. But now, it may take a miracle for Gamecocks to enter the playoff race. But for the Fan Club that’s just gravy on the potatoes.
The Not-Quite-Done / Barely Burnt Dinner Rolls: Bob Barker’s House of Pain vs The Funks (0.64 point margin of victory)
So rarely this season have I been able to talk about my team with anything except for despair. This week, though, I can crown myself with the closest matchup award by analogizing it to one of the more finicky Thanksgiving items: yeast rolls. Whether they are just too doughy or a little too brown on the bottom, these gravy soppers always tend to be a few degrees from perfection. Just as Garret’s team almost pulled it out against me! I won’t bask in my win (what’s so special about being 3-9 anywho) but I’ll point out that neither kickers in this tilt scored at all. Doubs and Puka scored 6.7 a pop while the rest of the receiving corps balled out. Dak and Hurts were the #2 & #3 quarterbacks for the week. Plenty of players on both sides underperformed when we might’ve expected. Personally, I like my rolls a little underdone, so this matchup worked out A-ok for me.
Why am I the Only One Eating the Green Bean Casserole?: Christian Watson (20.4 points)
After years of resisting the ole GBC, I decided to make some of my own. I made my own cream of mushroom soup; parboiled the green beans; and even fried my own shallots. Green Bean Casserole will always be second or third tier behind the staples, and it sure doesn’t look all that pretty. But, wow! This thing was delish! Why was I the only one eating it this year? Watson represents a similar case. He is a homegrown Packer wideout. Only rostered by two teams this week. But he put up outstanding and enticing scores for those teams. Catching 5-7 for 94 yards and a touchdown, with a long of 53 is just scrumptious stuff for your Thanksgiving morning appetizer. Boswell needed these points to break a minor losing streak and Love Me Sexy used Watson to overcome his division rival. Let it be heard from here on high Green Bay Casserole with extra fried Watsons will be on my table for years to come.
Honorable mention: Kyren Williams (38.4 points) [7 teams played him though]
Why is Everyone Eating the Pumpkin Pie?: Saquon Barkley (6.2 points)
I love pumpkin pie…sometimes. But if it’s just thrown together kinda sloppily, overbaked, and not fixed, pumpkin pie can be a fan-favorite turned stomach upsetter. Saquon, similarly, has been carrying fantasy lineups for years since he was drafted in an Atlas-esque manner. Yet in his 13 total opportunities he tallied 52 yards! Who did the Giants play again? Oh yeah, that piddling Patriots team who maybe was trying to lose the game. Saquon’s 6.2 points are a cruel inversion of his jersey number and an even crueler jab to the over-full belly of just how pathetic Barkley can be when he doesn’t scat for a breakaway run. If the pie’s crust is overcooked, I think the extended metaphor means the Giants as a team are just plain cooked. Apologies to those who will have to deal with Saquon indigestion!
List of what we’re thankful for:
- Scrantonicity 5 (10-2) 1295.22
- End Zone Jones (9-3) 1421.38
- Skid Marks (8-4) 1521.82
- The Hens (8-4) 1381.58
- Saquon Deez Nuts (8-4) 1283.24
- Freak of Nature (7-5) 1373.68
- Drew Crew (8-4) 1471.32
- She Sucks My Boswell (8-4) 1446.2
- skol! go yikes (8-4) 1366.7
- Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (7-5) 1366.22
- CobbSlobbers (7-5) 1348.06
- Southport Skegs (7-5) 1340.28
- Love Me Sexy (7-5) 1303.58
- Kirk Cochainz (7-5) 1266.9
- AR5 Fan Club (7-5) 1265.34
- The Realest (6-6) 1461.96
- Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (6-6) 1441.08
- The Lannisters (6-6) 1417.88
- Dez Still Caught It (6-6) 1344.08
- The Good Guys (6-6) 1277.76
- Krusty Krab Pizzas (6-6) 1276.64
- Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (6-6) 1207.04
- Gamecocks (6-6) 1165.04
- Jerry West’s Office Window (5-7) 1372.82
- Titan Your Butthole (5-7) 1359.16
- Kingpins of Crime (5-7) 1326.04
- lansing leopards (5-7) 1265.48
- Scorebox Munchers (5-7) 1232.08
- Adam Schefter’s Sources (5-7) 1084.24
- Bob Barker’s House of Pain (4-8) 1270.96
- Just the tip Jefferson (3-9) 1324.82
- The Funks (3-9) 1260.62
- Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined (3-9) 1052.02
- team Web (3-9) 919.52
- Waller? Hardly Know Her (2-10) 1171.08
- Pay Day Gray (2-10) 1144.06
