words of wisdom:
“Excuses are the tools of the incompetent.” – Mike Tomlin
Week SIX is in the books, so another set of matchups is recorded. This week saw what might go down as the overall closest week of Big League history with ~1/3 of our matchups being decided within 11 points or fewer. But first, the —
Housekeeping:
- HUGE NEWS! The Player Performance tab has officially been implemented. I am so happy with how this looks and operates. Give a gigantic shoutout to Scrantonicty 5 (aka co-commissioner Matthew Guzman) for putting this together. Use this tool to help build your lineups; see who you haven’t used among top performers; and assess how the points are accumulated.
- Payments! I have received payment from the Woman in Sports, herself, as well as three cash payers. My Venmo is, as always, @Turner-Manley. Might we implement some punishment for the last-paying team? Time will tell. Otherwise, the following have yet to pay me (as well as the two penalties [$15 a pop] that have been incurred):
- Adam Schefter’s Sources (+1 penalty)
- Titan Your Butthole
- Pay Day Gray
- Bob Barker’s House of Pain
- Southport Skegs
- lansing leopards
- team Web (+1 penalty)
- Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined
- AR5 Fan Club
- Scorebox Munchers
Highest Scorer: The Hens (148.98 points)
Making her debut in the write-up, Andie’s Hens boast a league-high buck fifty among her peers. Last year, The Hens (playing as Joc Pederson’s Pearls) ended up in second place overall and placed as the 7th strongest team. This year? #18 as of last week. But, fantasy football always ebbs and flows- much like turf in a breeze…or ACLs in quick twitch. Alas, The Hens have remained competitive enough to stay in the mix, sitting at second in her division, behind the Skegs. How did Andie mastermind this top roster? Bank on the bounce-back teams. Nearly every player that Andie selected was coming off of a Week 5 loss. They came in with an agenda. The Panthers tilted against the Dolphins and showed out with an impressive Chubba Hubbard workload and Thielen stat line. Thielen, by the way, has been a top 5 WR option the last two weeks. Dak came out swinging with the QB1 performance of 24.88. And Travis ETN (which just means Steven in French) was the RB2 overall with his impressive 18-55-2. Not all of Andie’s picks were sure things and none were foreseeable homeruns. However, with the exception of the moderately tepid 49ers defense & Ertz performance, each roster selection accumulated double-digit points. Overall, this was a breezeway victory for The Hens against division rival Love Me Sexy as they barely had half of their roster record over 10 points. In any case, this is the kind of roster I love to see! Call your shot, buy a lotto ticket, and hope for the best. You might just win someday.
Biggest Blowout: The Hens vs Love Me Sexy (66.34 points)
We stay with this matchup between Hens & Sexy as we also break the five-week streak of the blowout doubling their opponent’s score. But don’t blame Love Me Sexy for not trying! In a shambling cascade of mediocrity, the newcomer, Hayden and the Sexies, meagerly managed 50 points from their top three fantasy performers. The Vikings would not have been my first guess as to which defense would be #1 in fantasy scoring. However, that’s the highlight of the assembly that Love Me Sexy was able to gather. The plan here was quite evident: 1) mix in some dart throws, 2) juice it up with the sure-shots of Cousins and Pollard, and 3) profit. Yet, in an oxymoronic fashion, Cousins had another lackluster fantasy day in his victory over the Bears. Throwing 21 of 31 passes for 183 yards and a touchdown is fine to guarantee the Vikings victory; but a top point scorer, it does not make. In Cousins’ other win, he went 12/19 for 139 with a pair of touchdowns and interceptions. Hayden’s other sure shot, Pollard? He averaged 2 YPC. To add insult to injury, Love Me Sexy had to suffer through a 0 from Tank Dell, a mere three points from the ghost of DeAndre Hopkins, and 6.2 points from the Thursday night snoozefest of Jaleel McLaughlin. Sadly, the only equitable cross-matchup lay in the pit of despair that we call Tight Ends. Sure, Knox beat Ertz out by half a point. Wave your towel! Do a dance! Who cares. Bringing this matchup back to relevance, it’s worth noting again that this divisional matchup is not without some gravity! A dub would’ve put Hayden in the lead of an extremely competitive division; yet, his loss creates a tight race between pretty much anyone! Roughly 140 points separate the top scorer from the bottom in Luigi’s division and we’ve seen how easy it is to fall apart or to rise like a phoenix.
Closest Matchup: Just about everyone!
In an ode to Chris Berman’s fastest three-minutes in Football segment (its crowning moment) we’ll be rapid-fire visiting all of the heartbreaking losses and sweated-out wins.
We start with Adam Schefter’s Sources squeaking out a win against fellow Wildcat, The Lannisters, with a last-minute lineup submission that had Ian asking “What’s my prognosis!?” Jake took the shotgun approach to Minnesota and Lannisters took all the strays. A.S.S – 100.34. Lannisters 90.28.
The Realest might really be on to something real, with a really tight contest against the barely present team Web! Caught in their own netting, Webster woke up early and a considered lineup in with plenty of time to spare. But time was the enemy as the last player left was Mr. Dak Prescott who pressed OFF for 24.88 points. The Realest – 123.38. team Web– 116.32.
Just the tip Jefferson landed with an all-afternoon slate after globe-trotting in the real world. Banking big on Buffalo was the strategy and a bad one it was! Aside from the expected outstanding performance of Stefon Diggs (who was the sole targeted receiver in the first half), the rest of his plays let him down. Just the tip Jefferson – 84.18. Dez Still Caught It – 94.14.
In a matchup among amigos, fantasy vets Rob and Sarah matched up for their annual showdown! Positional scoring mirrored each other almost all the way down the line until they had to play Tight Ends. In this case, Everett outscored Knox. And today, that’s enough. skol! go yikes – 106.94. Krusty Krab Pizzas – 108.38.
If this matchup asked the question of who’s worse, the answer is both. Pay Day Gray and Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts faced off for what felt like the 1,000th time. With a combined three wins between the friends, this tilt meant business. A pair of 7.7-point performances couldn’t keep Joe down though! He managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat with a scraping score. Pay Day Gray – 90.06. Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts – 101.7.
Football is a game of inches and fantasy is a game of decimal points. In a moral matchup between the self-proclaimed Good Guys and the criminal Kingpins of Crime, truth and justice prevailed! However, this win was marginal with any catch or rushing attempt likely completely swaying the wind for either team! Heck, even if Justin Fields had completed one more pass, we’re talking about this game differently. The Good Guys – 90.94. The Kingpins of Crime – 90.92.
Divisional hell continues with two juggernauts facing off in a “this town’s ain’t big enough for the two of us” matchup. In a website-era Big League first, a bug allowed Skid Marks to inadvertently roster Michael Thomas. However, these points will be voided and Brooke will come out triumphant in a massive matchup between the two Fantasy titans.. Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S – 115.12. Skid Marks – 106.74.
I’m not going to showboat. I finally (FINALLY) won something. Thank god. Titan Your Butthole – 101.94. The Funks – 105.94.
Southport Skegs built a winner together in a cave (with a box of scraps) , taking points from Jonnu Smith, rookie JSN, and old man Murray. Somehow, this was a winning recipe against Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy who ended up wasting a slew of key fantasy players like Justin Fields, David Monty, Keenan Allen, Pollard, and the Buffalo Bills. Skegs – 100.64. BHBBA – 91.82.
In a matchup between long friends, David and Flom made decisively different moves against each other. Setting Lineups opted for a walk-of-fame lineup consisting of Josh Allen, De’Andre Swift, Kamara, Puca, Ridley, Diggs, and the Bills Defense. Meanwhile, I’m not even sure that Cochainz wanted to win! The entire lineup consisted of backups, afterthoughts, and second fiddles. Somehow though, this was enough for them to sneak dub in. Kirk Cochainz – 100.14. Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined – 97.46.
A Mad Titan once said, “You Couldn’t Live with Your Own Failure; Where Did that Bring You? Back to Me“. It’s fitting we end this montage with She Sucks My Boswell vs Drew Crew. The still undefeated team has consistently found ways to outfox his enemy. This week the brilliant fantasy manager whizzed up the play to roster Raheem Mostert against the porous Panthers. Who could’ve seen that coming!? She Sucks My Boswell – 131.54. Drew Crew – 125.22.
Phew! I know that’s a lot of words, but I thought it was worthwhile to give everyone their moment under the sun for what felt like a historic week of tight matchups.
Biggest Find: Atlanta Pass Catchers
From bust to boom, doth Pitts and London bloom. Last heard from in these writeups as pitifully mismanaged busts, Kyle Pitts (14.3 points) and Drake London (21.5 points) have severely turned it around in recent weeks. Since his bust week, London has seen his receptions go up like clockwork: 3-6-9. Similarly, his yardage has climbed: 28-78-125. It’s almost perfectly proportional. This clearly means that next week he’ll have 12-175? Yes, guaranteed. In true Atlanta fashion, of course, they did not win. Also, in true fantasy Biggest Find fashion, the three teams that opted for London won by a nice margin.
Mr. #4 (Pitts) Overall came through again also! 4-43-1. While that is not a gaudy showing, it was enough to be the TE #3 on the week. You really have to ask Arthur Smith what’s going on in his head to make him only now hyper-target these elite weapons. Nonetheless, Jake’s Sources came through for his first win and also got through using Pitts on a good week.
Biggest Bust: Justin Fields (4.92 points)
This was a rough break. I won’t ding Fields for dislocating his finger – no one can predict that. But the play against Minnesota was so juicy! Quarterbacks have been slicing and dicing the Minnesota so-called defense. Thus, all signs pointed to an explosion from Justin Fields and his emergent weapon DJ Moore. There’s no accounting for freak accidents though. Fields held his hand after taking a tumble and it was a quick trip to the locker room that has him doubtful for the next game. Back to fantasy land, though, 50% of the eight teams who rostered him lost! And in most instances, just a few more plays would have secured victory for those squads.
Weekly Oddity:
- Two teams recorded the same points scored within their roster:
- Titan Your Butthole rostered Calvin Ridley & Puka Nacua for 6.6 points each
- Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts rostered Brock Purdy & D’Onta Foreman for 7.7 each
- Somehow in a loss, Titan Your Butthole actually moved up the power standings.
That’s pretty much it! This was a longer one in the first place so I’ll keep this trivial section short.
Playoff Watch:
The first six teams are the Division Winners. Top 14 teams are playoff teams.
- She Sucks My Boswell (6-0)
- Kirk Cochainz (5-1)
- Scrantonicity 5 (5-1)
- The Realest (4-2)
- Southport Skegs (4-2)
- Titan Your Butthole (3-3)
- End Zone Jones (5-1)
- AR5 Fan Club (5-1)
- Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (4-2)
- The Hens (4-2)
- skol! go yikes
- Love Me Sexy (4-2)
- Krusty Krab Pizzas (4-2)
- Skid Marks (3-3)
- Lannisters (3-3)
- Drew Crew (3-2)
- Kingpins Of Crime (3-3)
- Freak of Nature (3-3)
- Scorebox Munchers (3-3)
- Jerry West’s Office Window (3-3)
- The Good Guys (3-3)
- Saquon Deez Nuts (3-3)
- Dez Still Caught It (3-3)
- lansing leopards (3-3)
- Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (2-4)
- Bob Barker’s House of Pain (2-4)
- CobbSlobbers (2-4)
- Waller? Hardly Know Her (2-4)
- Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (2-4)
- Gamecocks (2-4)
- Just the tip Jefferson (1-5)
- Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined (1-5)
- The Funks (1-5)
- Pay Day Gray (1-5)
- Adam Schefter’s Sources (1-5)
- team Web (0-5)
